A letter to the internet about some of its common tropes (in 2014, at least)
lyrics
Dear Internet,
My prescriptions have been filled,
and I really do not want my blood pressure 'killed'
if it means my blood’s not flowing ’cause my beating heart was stilled.
Dear Internet,
I’m a person like me;
I am not a Doctor Who, or a colour or a tree,
and regurgitated multi-choice is not psychology.
Dear Internet,
Radium was discovered by a mum,
but it isn’t the parenthood that proves it’s not dumb,
It’s this one weird trick called a Nobel Prize, and repeatable experiments on what to do with some.
Dear Internet,
As long as finite life’s a haz-
ard, doing fifty things that you say everyone has
(or must before they die) is nuts, to justify the thing that I identify as.
Dear Internet,
Your trick will not burn fat,
and the reason the doctors will hate you for that
is it’s useless at best, deadly at worst, but the dough that you make would cheer up Grumpy Cat.
Dear Internet,
I like Tim Berners-Lee too,
but that ‘vague, but exciting’ wasn’t ‘OMG you
MUST see this, and simply will not BELIEVE
the AMAZING pile of who-knows-what this headline links to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!’
Dear Internet,
• You’re right: my attention often shifts.
• You’ll need to split this into single sentences in lists
• if I’m constantly distracted by your animated gifs.
Dear Internet,
My penis is fine;
to be honest, I don’t even think that it’s mine.
But I’ll try it out; I just found out there are hot girls in my area, waiting online!
Internet:
Dear User,
I swear it isn’t me;
I follow your instructions and I do it perfectly.
I serve your spam and lists and ads and awful poetry.
So think before you link to things you did not want to see.
credits
from Wake Up Gasping,
released April 8, 2021
The part of the Internet is played by the macOS voices Zarvox and Trinoids
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